The Makiav3llian Enchantment…

As a requirement of due process, I was asked to present a Police Clearance to my (secret!). As you may need to present authentication of your clean records to a new employer, embassy or anyone requiring to know how clean your soul is, this is the procedure you need to know on how to obtain a Police Clearance. In the United Arab Emirates, the Police Clearance is also known as Certificate of Good Conduct, I honestly couldn’t help but chuckle on how it’s called since it looks like a school boy access pass to the bathroom.
To start of the entire process, you actually need to go to the Criminal Investigation Department located at Dubai Police Head Quarters [map] near Al Mullah Plaza going to Ghusais, there is also an existing office in Bur Dubai for those living in Satwa and the surrounding areas. The process to obtain this is actually not that complicated however, because of a slight “literary” barrier, it makes the whole thing tedious. The process is to simply inform the "desk" sergeant that you want to get a Police Clearance, once you get the application form, you are asked of three things:

1. Original Passport with Copy
2. (2) Passport Size, personal photographs
3. An Applicant must be holding at least six months old residence visa from UAE.

Aside from this, there are two sides of the form, one in English, the other in Arabic. Now this is where things get a little bit messy. If you are an Arab and write on the form both English and Arabic, they accept it. If you, particularly Asian, ask, they want you to go to the typing center and have it typed out. Unfortunately, there is no typing center in sight and the nearest one you can find is across the street… Oh let me correct myself, across the Al Itihad Street (Sharjah-Dubai Highway/Tunnel), where there is no existence of a footbridge and with the ongoing construction of the Dubai-Sharjah flyover, there most likely never will. So part of the painful process of claiming your innocence is actually getting to the typing center and you can only get to the other side by going towards the Al Mullah Plaza Roundabout and going to the Old Labor office, which is inconveniently located, where else but on the other side.
Once you actually get to the typing center, nothing special occurs, they just check your visa, copy the details and type it out. They charge you 15AED for the whole thing and you have to painstakingly walk back to the police station. After giving the paper to the sergeant, he makes a final assessment and asks you to pay up at the counter. You pay a fee of 110AED, be given the date to pick up your Good Conduct Certificate (yes I am smiling) and will be asked to go to Room 10 for a photo and finger print scan. Basically, the 110AED is payment for all the high tech equipment used to tag you and paper they use to print your certificate. Despite the latest technology of the Sagem scanner, it took me 15 minutes to complete the whole thing as sweaty palms prove to be the downfall of this device. “Pilipini problem…” grumbled the corporal. Anyways, after 15minutes of scan-error-try again-wipe-scan, it was done with. It took me 1 hour to get the walking and typing done, 25 minutes for paying and scanning. Over all, the cost of your innocence is 125AED, which is quite a big amount if you ask me… and without a typing center near by, it’s not just money you spend, you might add time as well.